Sunday, August 18, 2013

Yaz's Rules for the Road

Today's guest blog post is brought to you by Yazzer the Beagle, who has some great tips on canine etiquette for making those outings with your human more memorable:

1 ~ First and foremost, even if you love car rides, resist getting in the car. This sets an immediate tone for the outing and lets the attending human know who's really in charge. Pace beside the car with your nose to the ground, pretending to sniff everything, while making sure the mud left by the heavy rain thoroughly coats your paws. This is especially effective if the car has cloth seats.

2 ~ Once in the vehicle, prance enthusiastically from window to window, leaving multiple nose prints on all glass surfaces. Climb from the back seat to the front. Be sure to drool on the dashboard, the door panels and any personal items within your reach. If the driver does not consider this "Dog Art" but instead is squicked by the slobbery mess, be sure to lick your nose often before pressing it to the glass. This will help the driver more easily appreciate your talent.

3 ~ While leaving snot-graffiti on the door windows, be sure to stand your front paws on the power window button. Lower the window enough to stick your head out and sniff the wind, then shift your weight and close the window on your snout. Yelp loudly. This causes the car to swerve while the driver fumbles frantically to free you.

4 ~ Be sure to perch on the edge of the seat so that when the driver brakes, you slide off and tumble head-first to the floor. This produces additional swerving (see #3) and possibly swearing as the driver attempts to rescue you from your calculated misfortune. Try to keep your head tucked under the glovebox/compartment, thereby making it infinitely more difficult for your human to retrieve you. Bonus points for clawing the driver.

5 ~ Let the driver know that their car isn't the only thing with a smelly exhaust. Car rides, while exciting, may give you digestive distress. Share your discomfort with others. Repeatedly. Works especially well in conjunction with #4 to add insult to injury,

6 ~ If the driver is dropping off a passenger, whimper pathetically when the passenger exits the car. Struggle to escape. If you find yourself still inside the vehicle, whine and bark loudly for at least five full minutes, allowing your vocalizations to echo smartly in the confines of the enclosed space. This puts your human on a state of High Alert, as evidenced by their white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel, and warns them that you are immeasurably displeased.

7 ~ When those feelings of passenger drop-off rejection become too overwhelming, attempt to find solace by forcefully climbing into the driver's lap, seating yourself between their torso and the steering wheel, and staring imploringly into their face, nose-to-nose. This is especially effective if you weigh fifty pounds or more and haven't been considered a lap dog in at least two years.

8 ~ Finally, when returning home, climb over the driver as you seek your freedom, being sure to press your full weight into any sensitive human tissue in your path. It is imperative that you DO NOT let the driver exit the vehicle first. If, despite your best efforts, the driver does manage to get out of the car ahead of you, dive between their feet before they manage to stand fully upright, thereby tripping them. Then put your snout in the air and strut into the house with buckets of swagger. After all, you are a dog.

Yaz is a 5 year old pure-bred beagle who lives with his partner in crime,Timber, and several humans. Despite a previous owner's ill-advised name choice synonymous with faulty birth control, Yaz has a burgeoning dog's life. His best known work to-date is Upsetting the Christmas Tree and Poo-ing in Becky's Work Shoes. His current project is Sneaking Food Wrappers Out of the Trashcan Without Anyone Noticing.  He writes from Shippensburg, PA.

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